It’s been awhile, in more ways than one. For those that do not follow obsessively, (you should) I will wed in roughly 60 days. I am currently swept up in the bliss of being the “bride to be” the stress of final details of planning and schedule and last but not least, the countdown until we consummate. I remember reading, “The Wait” (Devon Franklin/Meagan Good) and later meeting the couple at a conference. I had tried and failed at celibacy numerous times and struggled with the guilt/shame that often accompanies seasons of behavior modification; particularly for spiritual/moral pursuits. My perspective had been, “if I get this right, God will bless me.” Feelings each time I failed, “ you are undeserving, you lack discipline.”

I experienced an epiphany just after meeting future hubby. I had been reducing God’s power and will for my life to my human capabilities. I started to speak over myself differently. My attitude became, I cannot change without your help daily, give me strength, and believing his desire to bless me was not contingent upon me “getting it right” ( Because, who has ever?)

So when hubby proposed we abstain until pronounced man and wife just after New Years 2019, I was both proud and terrified. My trust issues and insecurities had been tested throughout our long distance relationship, the thought of disconnecting physically and living together was like, wait what?

Can a man do that and remain faithful? We are engaged already, who cares?! were a few of the thoughts, rooted in fear plaguing my mind. We have drove half-way to the courthouse a few times since making this commitment and shared a few, “ damn, I cant take this anymore! LOL.

I wanted to share that we have not given in and thank my future husband for his leadership to make this decision at such an unpopular time. I can only explain the ability to succeed this time around where I had previously fallen short as both a response to the man created to lead me and a surrender to trust God in all things. My spirit was saying, “Let me discipline you both now, not later.”

I’m sure you are wondering how this season has affected intimacy. Crazy thing is, it enhanced it! My thoughts on celibacy/abstaining now are, “You were giving sex to much power.” physical intimacy will be my tool to please my husband and offer myself as worship, it does not define me, my worth or my relationship. But on November 3rd, it;s going dowwwwwwnnnnnn… and up, side-ways and in a circle and that’s on life!!! LOL!!!

Killin em, sincerely,


Kathy Lewis